The Best of ME! 2018 Edition
Sup nerds?!
As this decades-long year comes to a close, I thought it was time take a moment and appreciate the few good things this trash fire of a world has to offer: Nicole Cliffe’s flawless Twitter presence, that good doggo who spent a full month guarding her family’s home after the Camp fire, the fact that the TikTok app didn’t exist when I was 14, Ariana Grande’s ponytail, and finally, my ability to do what I love for money!!
Sadly for the dudes currently sending me weird DMs on Instagram, this is not my subtle way of announcing the launch of an 18+ Patreon page, but instead, a round-up of my favorite freelance projects from the past year!! Sorry! If you want to see my boobs online you’ll have to search the Myspace archives for that blurry pic of me and a friend who shall remain nameless making out in a hot tub circa 2006. If you find it, congrats! You are now in possession of child porn!
In 2017, I had ample time to freelance because the company I worked for was run by a lethal combination of alcoholic former frat bros and painfully unqualified MFAs. In 2018, however, I got a new job that I love (!!), which allows me to hang out with my dog most days but also actually requires more than just a bare minimum of effort??! Who knew work could be intellectually challenging and interesting?!!? It’s a whole new world! Anyway, because of this, I had to slow down a BIT but rest assured when ya girl isn’t lying in bed watching Storage Wars: Canada and eating Taco Bell, she’s WORKING, HUNNIE!!!!
Below are my favorite projects from the past year in no particular order:
My friend “Jolene” was soooo nice to let me report on her journey to find the perfect weed detox drink!! Thanks Jo, you’re such an amazing friend and I don’t know who I would be without you. ❤
For the 90th time I DID NOT WRITE THE TITLE OF THIS ARTICLE please stop @-ing me!! Reverse racism isn’t even real, Jim!!!
Anyway, I am really proud of this piece because it’s about my neighborhood and speaks to a larger issue of fat cat developers displacing POC with zero regard for the social consequences.
As a fun aside, after I wrote this story, I had a girl who lives in one of these Common spaces reach out on LinkedIn and tell me her building was completely unsafe — she’d had her tires slashed two times in one week, lived with questionable people, was not allowed to put a lock on her bedroom door and had multiple things stolen as a result. SO if you’re considering living in one of these co-living spaces, I’d suggest running as fast as possible in the opposite direction. Literally you can get a 2-bedroom apartment for less than the cost of ONE (unlockable) room in this place.
This was fun to write AND I had to learn how to use the Microfilm scanners at the Harold Washington library in order to write it! My librarian mother was very proud.
I’ve been OBSESSED with the insane culture of MLMs since I was 22, and a well-dressed older lady accosted me on the street as I was leaving an interview for an unpaid internship.
She complimented my shoes, and then spent 15 minutes complimenting me on literally every aspect of my outfit and personality. She said she did “marketing” for an unnamed makeup company and told me I would be PERFECT for an open role on her team. I was fresh out of college, with no job, $500 to my name, and a sinking feeling that I was not going to get that unpaid internship (spoiler alert: I did not!), so I couldn’t believe my luck! What were the chances I would just run into someone with a great job opportunity on the street??
I gave her my number and email address, and later that day she sent me a link to a presentation she’d given at a conference. “Watch it,” she told me. “And when you’re done, I’ll call you to discuss when you can start!”
I watched it. It was a presentation she gave at a MARY KAY conference about how she was a millionaire who drove a pink Caddie and we could all be millionaires if we just started aggressively recruiting other people to sell sell shitty makeup for marked-up prices. I Googled “Mary Kay Chicago Loop” and found this Yelp thread, and realized that I’d been duped SO hard. When she called later, she told me all I needed to do to start my OWN BUSINESS (lol) was pay $100 for the Mary Kay startup kit! I told her I only had $500 and that needed to last until I found an actual job, and she literally told me I should “invest” ALL of that money into my business because I was sure to double it in less than a month. I hung up on her and for a year afterwards continued to get aggressive, emoji-filled texts asking if I’d changed my mind. NO BITCH, YOU CAN KEEP THE WHOLE PYRAMID SCHEME! I WANT NONE OF IT!
Anyway!! This is my magnum opus! MLMs are cults that prey primarily on lower-income women, many of whom end up going into debt and ruining every relationship in their life in pursuit of a lie. If you have a friend or loved one who has gotten sucked into one, I implore you to read this article, and also to join the very great Reddit sub r/antimlm, listen to the podcasts Sounds Like MLM But OK, The Dream and the first season of Uncover: Escaping NXIVM, and follow Business Insider’s Hayley Peterson for her fan-fucking-tastic coverage of LulaRoe’s slow implosion.
To all the literary agents reading this, YES, I WOULD ABSOLUTELY LOVE TO WRITE A BOOK ON THIS TOPIC! I AM VERY GOOD AT MEETING DEADLINES AND WOULD LOVE TO DO AN INTERNATIONAL BOOK TOUR! THANKS FOR THE INTEREST!
Caroline’s the name, hard-hitting investigative journalism is the game!
THIS IS NSFW but I really liked writing it not only because I got to interview my gorgeous friend Julia but also because I think it’s important that EVERYONE is able to talk about their sexual needs and preferences openly and without judgement.
I wrote/am in the process of writing a lot of 2018 holiday gift guides for HuffPost, and I’m just putting this one on the list so you can buy me everything in it! You’re welcome!
If you listen to The Ghoul Gang Podcast you’ll know I have been known to occasionally step in and co-host when one of the Ghouls is away. If you haven’t yet heard of this show and you like spooky weird shit and spooky cool girls you should go give ‘er a listen!
In closing, I leave you in 2018 with this gorgeous photo of my gorgeous dog modeling her chic new hooded sweatshirt:
May your 2019 be as beautiful and pure as this perfect dog.
