The best of me: 2017 edition
HELLO to all my adoring fans/obsessive haters! I know 2017 was a difficult year for stuff like human rights, democracy and the environment, but why waste your precious attention on that when you have ME to focus on?!
I wrote/did a lot of cool stuff this year and while it’s all Pulitzer-worthy journalism (that nom’s coming any day now), I recognize that not everyone has had time to acquaint themselves with my extensive catalog of work. Not sure why this wasn’t your top priority this year but I’m going to put that aside for now.
Below are my 10 favorite projects from 2017 in no particular order, which you can conveniently peruse at your leisure. I did a lot more than this, and if you want to read it all you can check out my VICE author page, spend some time searching for the v. secretive subprime lending news blog I write every day, or go get convinced to buy a mattress over at the HuffPost Sleep + Wellness site.
If you don’t feel like doing that, fine. Just read this, I guess.
Is Harry Potter the Jesus of a New Generation? (VICE)
I got to interview the host of one of my all-time favorite podcasts, which breaks down my all-time favorite book series through a spiritual lens. This one got a few angry Christian moms up in arms on Facebook so you know it’s probably pretty good.
Fat-Positive Activists Explain What it’s Really Like to be Fat (VICE)
If you’re interested in all the intricate intersections between social justice and self-love this is a great read. Anyone who has ever lived in a body that doesn’t fit society’s very narrow beauty standards will relate and anyone who hasn’t will learn a lot. Also all of these people are dope AF and good follows on social media so get on that.
My Great-Great-Great-Great Grandfather’s Greatest Challenge: The Great Chicago Fire (Chicago Magazine)
Guys did you know I am distantly related to the dude who was mayor of Chicago during the Great Chicago Fire?? YOU DO NOW! I wrote this puppy while I was in grad school and let it languish in my Google Docs for four years before dear Bettina Chang at Chicago Magazine took a chance on ya girl and published it. THANKS BETTINA!
I Let Siri Respond to Men on Tinder and They Still Wanted to Bang (VICE)
This is by far the piece of published writing that’s gotten me the most negative attention, like, ever. Thanks, VICE, for putting this on your Snap story several times and using my face as the lead image!! I mean OK that is kind of cool but it really brought out the crazies in full force. My favorite response to this story comes from young Dalton, who couldn’t get past the fact that I, A WOMAN ON THE INTERNET, chose to refer our president as “an oversized rotting clementine wearing a crude mask of human skin.” But where is the lie?
Recovering Drug Addicts Tell Us What It Took To Quit (VICE)
I chose this because a random girl on Facebook messaged me to say it really resonated with her and thanked me for writing it. In a year full of such unspeakable darkness it was nice to know something I did helped add a little light back into the world, even if it was just for her.
I Dragged My Parents to a Penis Museum and It Bored Them to Tears (VICE)
I mean, if the idea of Rebecca and Micheal being forced to tour an Icelandic dick museum in the name of “journalism” doesn’t strike your fancy, you must be living a very sad and cold existence. I wish you nothing but the best.
Robots Are Coming For Your Job Sooner Than You Think (VICE)
ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THIS CUZ YOU SHOULD BE!!!
Weed Helped Me Win My Lifelong Battle With Migraines (VICE)
If you have migraines that no traditional medicine has ever worked on I implore you to RUN to your nearest dispensary and ask for RSO oil. It changed my life and I’m very, very passionate about this shit. Migraines have been fucking with me for 20+ years and knowing I finally have some semblance of control over them has been so meaningful I can’t even tell you.
Mom and Sisters Share How Societal Pressures Have Changed Over the Years (The Huffington Post)
OK this is technically an ad for a skincare brand. I did a lot of native ad freelancing this year, so if you found yourself suddenly motivated to buy a Sleep Number mattress after reading an informative story about midnight snacking, that was probably on me. Not sorry. Enjoy your mattress. This was my favorite of the bunch because listening in on this really beautiful conversation between a mother and her daughters honestly moved me to tears. WHO SAYS ADVERTISING CAN’T BE MEANINGFUL??
We Answered America’s Most Googled Questions of 2017 (VICE)
What better way for me to cap off this year than to spend some time actively dragging 2017 for being THE WORST. If 2016 was a trash fire year, 2017 was the year that trash fire became sentient, molded itself a pair of rotting banana peel legs and began stumbling blindly through the alley, shrieking incoherently and leaving a greasy trail of flaming human excrement in its wake.
Why not relive the lukewarm highs (a pedophile isn’t a senator!) and hellish lows (all the literal fire and floods) of the year along with me??
BONUS: I was also a guest on The Ghoul Gang Podcast!
My episode is called “Ghost Sluts” which is v. appropriate. You should subscribe to this very hilarious podcast if you like spooky shit and funny gals.
That’s all for 2017, folks.
I’ll leave you with this professional shot of 13-year-old Caroline looking exhausted and windswept in a backwards puffy jacket, clutching a worn copy of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in her small, cold hands. Isn’t this how we all feel after the year we just had?
I implore all of you to please let me know in the comments how much you hate everything I wrote!! SEE Y’ALL IN 2018 BYE!
